Being the bibliophile and foodie that I am, I was features a variety of semen-infused recipes for every occasion. From breakfast smoothies to chicken noodle soup, this cookbook has something for everyone. (Or not.)
Semen supporter. “Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes” is exactly what it sounds like. The author, Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, is a passionate cook who loves to experiment with new ingredients (like semen) in the kitchen. This is his first and only cook book. He writes: “Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food. This book hopes to change that. Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen. Semen is an exciting ingredient that can give every dish you make an interesting twist. If you are a passionate cook and are not afraid to experiment with new ingredients — you will love this cookbook!”
Before diving into the good stuff. Photenhauer warns, “This cookbook is written for consenting diners of semen. Please do not add semen to your guest’s food without informing them beforehand. All the recipes in the book have all been tested by the author and friends of the author.”
Just like any other cookbook. Like a regular cookbook, “Natural Harvest” is split into categories like Breakfast, Main Courses and Dessert. Some of the recipes, the author claims, are too heavy to allow the properties of semen to be “properly enjoyed,” and suggests that the joy derived from dining on these particular dishes (mostly meaty dishes) comes primarily from knowing that the semen is in there.
Try your hands at this chocolate cream eclair. It’s just like a normal eclair, except the cream is infused with semen. The author even suggests garnishing the pastry with semen if you have any left over. Try combining powdered sugar and semen together to create a savory — but sweet — topping.
Man made oysters. “Re-savour the feeling of a silky succulent oyster slipping down your throat by using the shells as semen serving dishes.” This recipe calls for cleaned oyster shells, ice and lemon/pepper for garnish. Oh, and a lot of semen. “The more the better,” the book says.
Crepes! Creamy cum crepes are another delicacy featured in the book. The author suggests adding a dry cider, which apparently pairs perfectly with semen.
Tiramisu. Tiramisu consists of ladyfinger cookies soaked in an espresso-cognac sauce. This recipe calls for one to two tablespoons of fresh semen. The chef notes using the semen in a cream instead of soaking the ladyfingers, but it’s your call!
Lime aioli and semen. The semen flavor supposedly meshes very nicely with the garlic and olive oil base. “Don’t be afraid of using larger amounts of semen since this only intensifies the sauce’s appeal.” Hmph. Noted.
‘Spunky’ candied pecans. Remember to cool your semen-covered nuts before serving. You don’t want to eat hot nuts!
Slightly saltier caviar. Caviar and semen are both acquired tastes, I guess? Get as much of the finest caviar you can afford and throw in a glob of semen into that bad boy. Serve the dish “pure” and enjoy.
The cum creme caramel. This French classic could use a bit of semen, specifically just a dash of it. It is “sure to impress any dinner guest.” Guaranteed.
Pricey dishes? An Amazon user shared a photo with her review, along with the caption: “Luckily my roommate is a slut and agreed to help me gather ingredients, after paying for the ensuing knee reconstruction and Lockjaw treatments, the recipes are costing about $1,287.94 per serving, but are so delic!!”
Rave reviews. One Amazon user said that he could not get enough of these recipes. “[…] I’ve tried all of the recipes […] I love it. I started with small amount of my semen and loved it so much [that] I now put more than the recommended amounts in.” Another fan wrote on lulu.com, “This recipe book is very practical, it saves on tissues and allows me to use all of my natural harvest and put it to a good use, whereas otherwise it would get wasted.”
Is there such a thing as too much semen? One reader loved the book and oftentimes made dishes with semen for his girlfriend and him. He included two specific disclaimers in his review, however… “The first ‘issue’ I experienced was forearm imbalance. My co-workers started noticing that my right forearm was considerably more defined and at least 3/4″ larger than my left forearm. It’s not like Popeye big but it’s still pretty embarrassing […] The second ‘issue’ is I have recently been diagnosed with Low T. Now, I’m not gonna come right out and say this book as caused my condition but darn it, if there were health risks with gathering ingredients for this book there needs to be a warning label. I mean, even my aspirin bottle says ‘Do not exceed xx number of pills per day.’ Can you —overcook — with this cookbook?”
The bottom line. Use this cookbook with caution. Use your head(s). Moderation is vital in all things… especially semen-related things.
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