The Lasting Effects Of Sexual Betrayal

After an affair, the person who was cheated on is bound to be hurt. Some individuals can’t sleep, eat or do anything because their depression becomes so great. Partners enter a sort of “daze” and often wonder what is wrong with them. Frankly, according to Kevin Skinner, Ph.D., of Psychology Today, these symptoms are completely normal. He calls it betrayal trauma. Here’s what you need to know about the lasting effects of sexual betrayal.

It feels like you’re going crazy. Skinner explains that while it feels like you may be going crazy with grief, these feelings are a natural response when you feel unsafe and insecure in your primary relationship.

Research backs up his claim. When Skinner analyzed over 1,400 people in similar situations (they were being cheated on or their partners were sexually acting out in other ways), he found that the majority of them (over 60 percent) experienced intense fear at least half the time. Fifty-five percent reported that after they found out about their partner’s unwanted sexual behavior, they had difficulty determining who was or was not safe to be around. “In other words, when a spouse acts out sexually, more than half of those who responded to the survey felt unsafe and experienced intense fear,” Skinner reports.

Old therapy models are a thing of the past. Before, therapists used codependency as a model to treat the partners of sex addicts. Since most spouses, however, were unaware of their partner’s infidelities, this became a confusing model to follow.

Skinner believes that the trauma model is better. Skinner thinks that relationship trauma such as betrayal trauma has similar symptoms to that of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). When he started looking at his patients through this scope, he noticed that his assumptions were correct: many of his clients showed signs of PTSD.

Startling results. “The results have been stunning — and alarming to me as a therapist. After poring through the data, it has become clear to me that thousands of women and men are suffering deeply due to their partner’s sexual behaviors outside of the relationship,” Skinner explains. Partners almost always fear their safety and feel violated (52.57 percent), relieve the event or experience frequently (42.79 percent) and more often than not, avoid sexual contact with their partner after discovering his/her behavior (23.77 percent).

Skinner also noticed the lasting emotional toll these discrepancies had on individuals. People felt as if their partners acted out because they were not good enough over 23 percent of the time, and found themselves increasingly angry with their partners. Unfortunately, individuals report also being unable to fulfill important roles (at work or as a parent) upon discovering their partner’s sexual behaviors. Over 60 percent of people had issues maintaing these roles.

The most startling result of all… When asked how long they had been experiencing the symptoms described in Skinner’s assessment (for example, recurrent thoughts, anxious feelings and fear), over 33 percent of people reported feeling this way for more than five years after they discovered their partner’s infidelity. This alone led Skinner to believe that the PTSD model was the most legitimate way to respond to infidelity and other sexual behaviors outside a couple’s marital bond. “Betrayal trauma due to a partner’s sexual behaviors is common, and the symptoms are real,” reports Skinner.

How do we help these people? Not many doctors accept the trauma model for treatment, so psychologists are only in the beginning stages of identifying the best practices for patients. Skinner says that there is a crucial need for professionals to come together to adopt this new model.

Some do not understand the extent of trauma. “Unfortunately, there are still therapists and others in society that do not understand the extent of the trauma that occurs when sexual misbehaviors happen in a relationship. In some situations, the pain is minimized or overlooked (e.g. It’s just pornography, what’s the big deal?). This can trigger more trauma as the pain is ignored,” explains Skinner.

Psychologists are learning more and more. Doctors now know that trauma is largely stored in the body and “may best be resolved through using our senses (sensorimotor therapy). For this reason, yoga and meditation can be effective tools in healing from trauma,” Skinner reports in his Psychology Today article.

If you identify with any of these symptoms… If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, reach out for help and support. While the methods are not perfected as of yet, there is a growing awareness that sexual betrayal triggers trauma in certain individuals. You are not going crazy.

There are organizations that treat betrayal trauma. These organizations have directories of therapists who specialize in betrayal trauma treatment. If you are experiencing betrayal trauma, both International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) and The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSAST) can point you in the right direction to get the help necessary.

Online resources. If seeing someone face-to-face is not an option for you, you can also talk to a professional online through Bloom for Women and the Center for Healthy Sex.

Other individuals find attending group therapy to be helpful. Groups like S-Anon and Codependents of Sexual Addicts (COSA) will put you into groups of people who understand what you are going through and can even provide you with support outside of a group setting.

Remember. Remember that help is out there if you need it. Your feelings are valid. You are not crazy. You will get through this.

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